Pride The Lion Travels the World

Hi Mark,

Sorry I have not been in touch , for the last 22 months, I have been the guest of Kim Jong Ill of North Korea, admittedly against my will and all because I turned right instead of left, and ended up across the border. I would still be there had it not been for Davey Cammeron giving them an ultimatum “Release Pride or your not coming to the 2012 Olympics". Lucky for me they really want to attend.

They were originally going to swap me for the Olympic mascot Mandeville (who has a big following in North Korea, for some reason), but nobody can find him since he and Wenlock went on a bender in Amsterdam in May.

Before my incarceration by the North Koreans, I had visited the greatest sporting event in the workd, no not the The World Welly Wanging in Upperthong, but the FIFA World Cup hosted in my home country of South Africa.

It was great to be back in my mother country, and as soon as I landed I was treated as a VIP. I was met by hundreds of screaming fans, well they were actually running away from me screaming as its not every day you see a lion in an airport.

After a cat nap...I decided to visit some of my family, so headed to the local wildlife Park, there I met my Cousin Len, as you can see from these photo's, he is very young but I see a great career ahead of him as a mat...

Cousin Len as a mat

While driving around the park, I saw my mum and dad. I tried to get their attention, but they were too busy to notice me...no change there then.

Visiting Mum and Dad

The next day my good friend Diego Forlan invited me to go see his little team play, they were verses a side from Mexico and he assured me it would be a good game, with lots of action.

Great view of the match

After the match, Diego had the team coach drop me off at my hotel, which was very nice of him...

Diego gives me a lift home...

unfortunately the driver, got my hotel wrong and dropped me off at the travel inn on Table Mountain. And it was a long walk home.

But the driver drops me off at the wrong hotel!!!.

After visiting South Africa, I decided to visit South Korea to do some Olympic PR and that’s where my trouble began, and here’s some advice, never ask for directions from a taxi driver, especially after refusing him a tip...I knew I should have turned left...

Pride.

Konichiwa Mark-san!

I have just returned from a visit to the Land of the Rising Sun – what a lovely country! Shame about the food, though. Three days and not a square meal in sight.

Call this Dinner??!! Where’s the F*@k!ng Beef! How about a little bit of Zebra? Oh pleeease…

Nihon 1

“OK, OK, so she’s not exactly a wildebeest, but you distract her with the camera, and I’ll see if I can get decent bite out of her arm….

Alright Darlin? What do you mean $20 to come in for a “chat”? someone call a TAXI!!”

Nihon lady

As part of my trip, I went to visit worldwide Olympic sponsor Panasonic. What a great company! I was whisked off to the Plasma TV factory – and what did my eyes behold? The world’s largest Plasma screen - 150 inches!…

Nihon plasma

Just as well Lynford Christie’s retired, just imagine his lunch box hurtling towards you on that thing in full HD. Oh bloody hell, now I’m hungry again.

And I must admit – I was a real hit at the Karaoke with the Osaka Olympic committee–

Nihon 3

and I have you to thank Mark (That’s right, I didn’t make a complete tit of myself singing Snow Patrol songs). I went down a storm…

Anyway, bye for now – another update soon!

Dear Mark

So sorry to have not been in touch, it's been a hectic, yet very fulfilling schedule, and I thought I ought to update you.

As the Global downturn continues, visitors to the Olympics are looking more unlikely. Flights remain unbooked and hotel rooms throughout our capital sit empty. Then it occurred to me – what better way to fill a plane seat and King Size hotel bed than with a nacho munching rib chewing donut gulping pepsi swigging American Arse….

So I took myself off to the land of the Star Spangled Banner, the right to bear arms and the free refill from 7 till 10.30 and flew to New York.

Most of the people I spoke to thought the Olympics had only happened in 1984 and 1996. They were amazed to discover that not only were the Olympics held in other countries, but that there were, in fact, “LIKE OTHER COUNTRIES Man!, I mean like, I hearda Iraqistan and Afpakabad, which are like in the mountains in Mexico an’ shit - Oh you mean you’re from the same place as the Queen of England? Don’t she live in Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyworld?”

Tired of this level of conversation, I boarded a flight to Texas, to seek out someone who could talk to the great American Nation on its own level. Someone with time on their hands to take up my cause…

Mr Bush met me at the airport, and we had a long and fruitful conversation. He agreed to become the American Ambassador of London 2012, and started to issue the following statement…

“Ma fellow Merrkins. I wanna talk to y’all ‘bout terrorism. I want you all to become terrorists – “

- What is he saying??!!!

“and I believe you should take that terrorism to London”

- Aargh!

“In 2012. To the Lim Picks.”

I stepped in. – “W! What Are you saying???!!”

“Trust me Pride - I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.”

“TERRORISM?”

Exactly. American terrorists will bring their dollars to your country. I mean, it’s the only place their terrorist dollar is worth anything”

“Ahh – Tourism!”

“That’s what I said. We Merrkins will visit Free societies. Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat”

“Oh for God’s Sake. I’m out of here”

“Hey – there’s no need to be rude. I don't think you need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on these matters. – In fact I’m just like you – I didn't grow up in the ocean -- as a matter of fact -- near the ocean -- I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I'm fishing.”

“Yeah, Cheers Georgie – See you around”

“Hey – Don’t you misunderestimate me, Mr Tiger! There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again. Shove your Lim Picks – I never liked you French anyway”

Pride

Hi Mark,

Hope you’re well.

Last week I decided to take the message the fight to the ancient foe – and then I thought hang on, didn’t we beat Paris to host these games anyway? So I marched triumphantly down the Champs Elysees, Union Flag aloft, dodging a few rotten onions on the way – what’s wrong with these people – not as if I was calling them a bunch of cheese eating surrender monkeys!

I stood beneath the Eiffel tower and delivered an address to the assembled crowd:

Mesdames, Messieurs, Parisiens! London will host the 2012 games. London, mes amis, was the true and fair winner – any talk about foul play is totally unwarranted – we toiled, we sweated, we fought the good fight and we won! Charles de Gaulle! Louis XIV! Vanessa Paradis! – We challenged!– Napoleon Bonaparte, Zenedine Zidane (or is it Zouzou you big pansy)! Thierry Henry! – where were you when it mattered?! Charles Aznavour! – your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries! – Jacques Chirac! – We like Finnish food anyway you twit!– Jacques Chirac! Can you hear me, Jacques Chirac ?– You Boys Took a Hell of a Beating!!!

Anyway, I don’t think the Eurostar’s going to be too busy in 2012. Oh well, C’est la Vi

Pride

Hi Mark,

So sorry to have taken off so suddenly without discussing things with you beforehand, but I'm afraid an excellent opportunity presented itself to me, and I had to leave rather quickly.

One evening in December I was sitting at your desk, where once again you had left me to fend for myself against the attentions of an overly friendly cleaner and the cold, shivering dark night when I received an email on my JungleBerry:

I set off immediately for the House of Commons, but unfortunately the meeting had to be conducted in Parliament Square as the police on duty told me the No Dogs Allowed sign also applied to me. A little harsh I feel as Ann Widdecombe was let through as I stood there.

Anyway, I was given a detailed brief and full itinerary but I can't share all the details with you for security reasons, which I'm sure you will fully understand. I'll do my best to keep you updated on my travels via this blog, so until next time

Once more unto the breach, dear friend, once more; Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'

Lots of love,
Pride (the Lion)

Hi Mark,

Just a quick update.

I thought it may be sensible to start my tour at the beginning - Africa - the home of the human race, of civilisation, and of my great uncle Lennie.

Took me longer than expected, but I eventually reached Tanzania, and did what everybody who visits does, I went on Safari.

Had a wonderful time thanks, but unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when we were leaving, as I was mistaken for one of the residents. The driver of our Land Rover was arrested for attempted abduction of a protected species. I was then released back into the wild, and then spent two nights hiding from the locals up a Mpingo tree.

Anyway, made it out eventually, and headed for the safety of the new capital city Dodoma, where my message was well received. At least 100 people said they were planning to come to London, although funnily, none of them mentioned the Olympics, just something about driving dodgy Nissan minicabs at weekends.

Anyway, onwards and upwards, I have a message to carry. Speak to you soon,

Pride (the Lion)